I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
