Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
tell me about the fingering
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
