I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
