it wasn't lemon gatorade
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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