WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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