i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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