U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
what is it with giant penises always finding me
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
