His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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