dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
