So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
