I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
