I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
