I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
