I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
