I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Two words: blizzard sex
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
