Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize