Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
