there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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