You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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