i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
