hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize