totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
