I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
