i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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