wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
