I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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