Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Go christen that room with your naked body.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize