it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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