Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
