I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
