I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
