half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
