my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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