I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
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