im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Randomize
