I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
