dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
