Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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