forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
