Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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