I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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