yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Randomize
