ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
