even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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