new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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