every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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