Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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