I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
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