you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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