u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Randomize
