Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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