You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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