How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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