I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
