I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
