I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
a search helicopter?!
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
