i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
