Are we in a gay sports bar?
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
