I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
