***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Mom said you looked used
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
