you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
