I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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