3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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