guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
